Then and Now
by HR always live on
Summary: Canon up to 5-5. Ruth has to leave to protect Harry. Her thoughts on the life ahead of her. Unlike the show, she never has the chance to go back to the UK, and lives her life elsewhere. Now complete.
1. Chapter 1

**This wouldn't leave me alone. It's very different to my previous stuff so bear with me. Also, its late and I'm tired, so if my spelling is wrong, please forgive me!**

* * *

_**Then.**_

Ruth stood looking over the dock her hands clasped together as she fought down the fear that kept threatening to swallow her whole. In her coat pocket she had false identity papers, passport and enough money to tide her over for at least a few months. Maybe six or seven if she lived frugally enough, courtesy of Zaf. He'd left her alone when the sun was rising, though the grey sky was so expansive and oppressive you could barely tell. Her hands were shaking, and even though the temperature was freezing, she knew that wasn't the reason. She was scared. She was leaving everything she had ever known, to live as a fugitive in a foreign country for the rest of her life. All for the good of her country, and to protect Harry from enemies within the service. So he could keep fighting the enemies of the state. And she knew it was the right decision, for him to keep going. She was replaceable, he was not. In the terms of their job anyway.

Ruth had a couple of hours to wait before the boat would arrive to take her from British shores for, quite possibly the rest of her life. She swallowed down the lump in her throat with difficulty at the thought. From an outside point of view she knew she could survive. She was intelligent and she had skills to cover her tracks which meant she wouldn't be left to be an outcast or a homeless beggar for the remainder of her days. But rational thought didn't take into account that she could be captured and imprisoned before being deported back to England, and a prison cell with her name on it. She had to push the terror aside, she knew that, and take it one step at a time, she couldn't plan every single move in Europe before she made it. She'd have to plan as she went along, stay in one place when it was safe and move on elsewhere when it wasn't. Attachments with other people were simply out of the question. She would be completely alone.

Pressing her palms to her eyes she tried to concentrate on Harry. She'd never see him again. It was a thought she'd avoided confronting so far. But sooner or later it was going to allow her to break down. She'd hoped she could keep it together until she was on the boat taking her to Calais. But if Harry arrived to see her before she stepped off of land, holding it together would not be an option. Just under an hour and a half now, she saw looking at her watch. She wasn't sure if she wanted Harry to show or not. Zaf and Adam had been told not to tell him, but if Harry wanted to know, she had no doubt that they'd cave in and tell him her location. Especially after he had to identify a strange body as hers. Adam had decided on that touch for authenticity and they had all agreed. But she knew it would be hard for him.

"Ruth." She sighed, knowing she'd recognise that voice anywhere in the world. That deep tone which reverberated and made her name sound so much fuller than when anyone else said it. Ruth looked at her hands for a moment before facing him, wondering when someone would next use her real name rather than Rosie Barber on her false American passport.

"I told them not to tell you where I was," Ruth said as she turned to face him. He didn't have a tie on and he had shadows under his eyes, probably mirroring her own from a sleepless night.

"I didn't care," Harry said. "I needed to see you one last time. Before you left. Where are you going to go?"

"Harry…" she said, shaking her head to indicate she had no idea. "I don't know. And even if I did, do you think it'd be wise to tell you? I'm leaving for my safety."

"You're right," he said. "As usual." She smiled at him sadly. "Promise me you'll take care."

"No, I planned to walk into a French police station the instant I set foot in Calais," she said sarcastically. Harry smiled at her. He gently put his hands on her waist and pulled her close to him.

"I don't know what I'm going to do without you," he said.

"I'm sure you'll mange," she said. Her coat was so thick that she shouldn't be able to feel his hands but she could. Their pressure and warmth anchoring her to the world in which she was soon going to be to tossed into. "Don't get shot."

He laughed quietly. "I promise. I want you to be happy Ruth. Wherever you are, whatever you do with your life, I do want you to be happy. Please remember that."

"I'm leaving the only man I've ever l… Sorry, that was thoughtless of me. Now that I'm leaving."

"Ruth, look at me," he said. He cupped her face with his palm, his thumb stroking her cold skin. "Whatever you say now, I love you. I should have said it years ago."

"Harry, you're going to make me cry," she said quietly. Sure enough there were tears glistening in her eyes. "I love you too," she said. "I always did. Ever since you were shot and I thought you might die."

He leaned in close and captured her lips with his. The kiss was soft and gentle and far too long in coming. They had more than an hour to say goodbye, but she didn't know how long Harry could stay here without raising suspicion. So she enjoyed their first and most likely last kiss. His hands had found their way inside her coat and he held her so delicately. She would never know what his touch felt like on other parts of her body. She'd missed out on so much and now she was out of time.

Their kiss was interrupted when she felt Harry's mobile phone vibrating in his pocket. "Go," she said a tear falling down her face. "I know you have to."

"As clichéd as it sounds, I'll never forget you," he said.

"You're right that is cliché," she said. She was smiling and crying at the same time. "Take care Harry."

"I will. Goodbye Ruth." He kissed her again and then his hands were gone. He was walking away and she let her tears fall. He was out of sight quickly and she cried, knowing she was never going to see him ever again. He was out of her life, and her heart already ached for him.

When she set foot on the boat that took her away from London, her home and Harry, her tears were frozen trails on her face and her heart sunk lower than she thought possible. She stared at England until it was out of sight as she felt her heart break with every passing moment. She'd come to see that life wasn't fair.

* * *

**_Now._**

Ruth unbuckled her seatbelt as the light went off above her aeroplane seat. She never enjoyed take off on a flight, but now they were level and she had little to worry about. Except for the fact she was leaving America and heading back to London for the first time in twenty five years. She had no real fear that people would be looking for her after all this time had elapsed since the events that had happened in her MI5 career, but it frightened her all the same. She had avoided going back to the UK at every opportunity she'd gotten, few and far between though they were. It wasn't just for her she feared, it was for her now adult daughter. If they were found and Ruth put in prison, then her daughter would go into care. And she had to stop that from happening at all costs. The safest place for Claire had been with her mother, or so Ruth felt.

So when Claire had received a scholarship from Oxford University, Ruth had been terrified. But Claire had gone and settled in fine, studied and received a first class honours degree in business management. No one ever suspected she was anything other than what she claimed to be, an American foreign student. It hadn't stopped Ruth worrying. Claire often flew back to Connecticut, thinking that her mother was scared of flying, rather than scared of the country itself. This was the first time Ruth had dared get on a flight to London. And it was only because her sweet little girl (who wasn't so little any more) was getting married. Ruth would never be able to live with herself if she missed that. Even if she was convinced twenty three was too young for her to get married.

Ruth sighed and closed her eyes for a moment. She had an eight hour flight to think about her life and the imagined fears that most likely would not be waiting for her in London. Sighing, she wondered where Harry was now.

Or even if he was still alive.

* * *

**Please leave a review and let me know what you think! Thank you.**


	2. Chapter 2

_**Then**_

* * *

Ruth awoke with a start. She'd had a nightmare and it took several moments for her heart rate to calm down and for her to remember where she was. In a tiny bed and breakfast outside Orleans, the owners of which were so pleased for any business at all that she got a reduced rate. She'd been here for a week now and it was nice to rest her head in the same place even for a short time. It had been five weeks since she'd left London and she'd been working her way slowly through France, taking trains and buses as she hadn't felt brave enough to board a plane. Passport security scared her, and she wasn't convinced Rosie Barber's passport wouldn't be open to scrutiny. It would take her a while to feel confident to use it.

Ruth had purchased a cheap second hand laptop and used it to keep up to date on the British news. Just in case she could read between the lines of something. But so far she'd come across nothing worrying. She'd also wanted to use an email account Malcolm had set up for her. It was an account that both her and Harry had passwords to, so that they could save messages in the draft folder, and there would be no email traffic to be traced. It was a neat system, but she hadn't dared open it yet. Today she did, laying in bed and hunched over her laptop.

There were two messages saved in the draft folder. She looked at the dates and saw that one was four weeks old, the other just three days. Biting her lip she opened them.

_Rosie, I hope you are well. This is just a quick email to check that everything went as planned. Yours always, Henry._

Ruth was disappointed by how shockingly brief that message was. Her heart sunk as she opened the second message.

_Rosie. I haven't heard from you since I last saw you. I'm beginning to worry. I realise you cannot access email as often as I can, but I would appreciate a word to let me know you arrived safely. I'm sorry if I sound overprotective, but as you are no longer at home I would like to know about your welfare. Hope to hear from you soon, Henry._

Ruth sighed and began to type. It took her a long time to construct a very short message.

_Henry, I'm sorry for my late reply. I am fine, just been on the move quite a lot. I'm safe and well. Will message you when I have moved on. Do not worry about me. Rosie_

She sighed and disconnected the internet from her laptop and then looked out of her window. The street was empty except for a man in a business suit speaking on the phone. She had no reason to think he had anything to do with her, but she did. She knew the time had come for her to move on.

* * *

**_Now._**

Ruth wheeled her case through Heathrow airport, keeping an eye out for her daughter who said she would meet her. Sure enough Ruth saw her beautiful blonde daughter scanning the crowds. "Mom!" she cried out happily when she saw her. Claire ran towards her and hugged her tightly, much to Ruth's joy.

"Oh, its so good to see you!" Ruth said, feeling safe and joyous now that she had her daughter in her arms. She parted from her and cradled her face as Claire smiled and Ruth looked into her daughters dark, beautiful, almost black eyes. "How are you?"

"I'm good," she said, her smile wide. "How was your flight?"

"Smooth," Ruth said. "You get more beautiful every time I see you sweetheart."

"Mom…" she said, rolling her eyes. "My car's just outside," Claire said. "I had to almost run down an old lady to get a space that wasn't three miles from the airport, but I managed it."

"Hey, I'm an old lady now!" Ruth said as Claire put an arm around her shoulders.

"You're sixty two, you're not old," Claire said, her voice with the American twang that six years in England hadn't changed a bit.

"So, are you looking forward to the wedding?" Ruth asked as they slowly walked out of the airport.

"Yes, I can't wait!" she said eagerly. "And I am so glad that you're here for it."

"I might do many things, but missing my daughters wedding is not going to be one of them," Ruth said firmly.

Claire laughed lightly. "You like Edward don't you?" she asked.

"Of course I do," Ruth said. Even if she hadn't liked him she wasn't stupid enough to say it to her daughter who was very much in love with him. Edward was thirty, handsome, charming and with a steady job, all of which were positives. There was nothing wrong with him at all and Ruth genuinely hoped Claire would be happy in her marriage. "Edward is lovely," Ruth said. "As long as he makes you happy, otherwise I'll kill him." Claire laughed.

"I've missed you," she said. "You always make the world a bit brighter."

Ruth kissed her daughters cheek for a moment before they left the airport, the air cold. For a moment Ruth felt paralysed by fear, thinking that she was back in London, where she should never have come to again, but it passed in a few seconds. Once Ruth's cases were in the car, Claire started jabbering away about the sights in London that Ruth just had to see.

"Sweetheart, I lived in London for four years," Ruth said simply. "I know about the Houses of Parliament, the London eye and Trafalgar square." Ruth didn't mention that she'd been involved in the protection of these monuments from terrorists, as there were some things she liked to keep from her daughter.

"Oh yeah, I keep forgetting you lived here," Claire said, rolling her eyes.

"Was my British accent the give away?" Ruth questioned.

"Its so weird!" Claire said. "We sound so different. The way we speak I mean. And I'm never going to get used to driving on the wrong side of the road either."

Ruth laughed at that. She looked out of the window as the car lapsed into silence and saw that the city had barely changed at all. It was just as she remembered it. They were only on the outskirts, but every road they passed brought back memories for her. She was glad when Claire started talking about Edward and her job in equal measure as it distracted her.

Ruth had had to construct a story about her daughters parentage, as she had obviously wanted to know where she came from. Why her mother had a British accent and yet they were living in America. Ruth had told the truth in a very broad way. Her job (as a secretary for a data handling company) had come to an end, and instead of finding another job in London she'd gone travelling through Europe as she'd always wanted to do. True, but she hadn't wanted to do it while on the run. In Italy she'd met a man who was Claire's father. The relationship was brief and intense, and it was only when he'd vanished that Ruth discovered she was pregnant. Again true.

She'd taken herself to America to try and settle down before her child was born. This was true, but Ruth had left out all the inner turmoil she'd suffered when wondering where to settle down for her child. When she became a mother she couldn't run all over the place and she knew that. Claire had shown an interest in finding her father during her teenage years, but that had been burnt out by the fact that he simply wasn't interested. More than once Ruth had held her crying daughter, feeling her own heart break. In the end when Claire was fifteen, Ruth had told her that he'd died. It was easier for her to bear than the truth. That he simply wasn't interested in his child. Claire had never questioned this, much to Ruth's relief.

The one thing that really bothered Ruth was that her daughter didn't even know her real name. Once in America she'd had to leave her old life behind, including her old identity. Claire knew her as Mom or Rosie, it was that simple. Even though at times it made her feel so lonely.

"Mom, you're not listening to me," Claire said as she turned the corner.

"Sorry," she said. "Lost in memories," she said. "London was my home for a long time. In a way, it was the place that made me grow up." This was true, but it wasn't what she meant. What she meant was it was the place where she found herself falling in love more completely than she had imagined possible. But she couldn't say that to her daughter. Harry. A man she thought about more than any other and she'd only ever kissed him once. Oh Harry… She couldn't say that she had thought about him every day of her absence, with a screaming toddler that was impossible, but she did think of him often and fondly. He made her heart ache, still after all this time.

"Stop the car."

"What?" Claire asked, looking confused at her mother.

"Stop the car!" Claire, completely bewildered as she put her foot on the brake. As soon as the car stopped Ruth opened the door and slammed it shut, running back down the street the opposite way from which they'd come, Claire completely amazed at her mothers irrational behaviour. The car horns beeping behind her let her know she had to move on, so she looked for somewhere to park, hoping her mother wouldn't go too far.

However Ruth was running down the street, convinced she'd seen Harry. She knew she was most likely imagining it because she'd been thinking about him, but she couldn't let this chance pass her by. Turning around the corner, she thought she'd been delusional because she couldn't see him. She sighed and felt a huge wave of disappointment wash over her. The bell on the shop door rang behind her and that was when she heard it.

"Ruth?" Her heart stopped as she turned around to see the man she'd thought about more than any other. He might be older, but is was unmistakably him.

"Harry."


	3. Chapter 3

_**Then.**_

Ruth awoke to waves lapping on the shore, the sound incredibly soothing and relaxing. She was in southern Italy in a small seaside village and thought she had never seen a place more stunningly beautiful. So much so that she'd stayed for two months now, longer than she should have done. But she couldn't help it, she'd fallen in love with the beach, the warm weather and blue skies and friendly people. It was such a slow and calm way of life that she felt content to simply exist. And it felt like a million miles away from MI5 and all of her troubles.

A year had passed since she left London. She missed the city badly, and Harry most of all. She messaged him every couple of weeks, to let him know she was alive, safe and well. Their messages were always short and stilted, feeling unable to say what they really wanted to, both because of the danger and because of the distance between them. Ruth knew that the time had come to cut her contact with him. The longer their messages went on the harder it was to let go, and she knew she had to. She had to start rebuilding her life with what she had to hand. Not the memories of the past. She would never go back to London, she knew that now. It had taken her a long time to come to terms with that.

Suddenly there was a knock on her flat door. She hurried to throw some clothes on and answer it but Ruth knew who it would be, her… well, boyfriend for lack of a better word. Marco. She opened the door and was not disappointed. He stood there with the confidence of youth, leaning on her doorframe, an easy smile on his face. "Morning," he said in Italian. She replied in the same language.

"It's seven in the morning on a Saturday," she said. "Why are you here?"

"Anyone would think you weren't pleased to see me," he said, leaning over and kissing her briefly. "I have the day off and I thought you'd like to come out on the boat with me."

"I would," she said honestly. "I need to get dressed and have a shower though."

"I'll come back in an hour then," he suggested. "With coffee?"

"Perfect," she said. "Thank you." He kissed her again and then left. Ruth closed the door and sighed. Every time she saw him a part of her felt guilty. She'd stifled it because she'd felt so alone and lacking in human contact that when he'd come on to her, she hadn't resisted. The morning after she had felt so incredibly guilty to Harry and had vowed never to do it again. But it had been so long since she'd felt wanted that she'd succumbed again and again.

She didn't fool herself that this would last any length of time at all, and she knew that Marco had a couple of other women too. But it was nice to know that she wasn't dead inside. And before him she'd been celibate for more than eight years. Even though it wasn't, it felt like cheating on Harry. They'd never been in a relationship and over the past six months their emails could probably amount to less than a thousand words. But it didn't stop the guilt which is why the emails between them had to stop. Otherwise neither of them would ever be able to move on.

After she dressed she composed an email to Harry, which took the rest of the hour she had before Marco arrived. It was incredibly hard to write but she knew it was necessary. She reread it a dozen times before saving it, and closed her eyes as she'd said a final goodbye to that part of her life. There was another knock on the door and Ruth affixed a smile to her face before she answered it, trying to move on.

It was only a week later when she discovered she was pregnant, which brought a very rapid end to their brief relationship.

* * *

_**Now**_.

"Harry, is that really you?" Ruth's eyes were bright, as were his and her smile was wide. The wind was freezing and other people were milling around on the street but she only had eyes for him.

"Have I changed so very much?"

"No," she said, her voice little more than a whisper. It was true. His hair had turned white, the lines on his face had changed into wrinkles, but one look at him and she could so easily see the man she knew all those years before. He was just the same.

"You haven't aged a day," he said quietly.

"I'm not sure if I should be flattered or offended by how you saw my thirty five year old self," she said. "Because you're lying." Her hair had gone grey and was shorter than he'd ever seen it. Her face was lined, but to him, she did look just the same. He could see the woman he'd thought about for years.

Harry laughed lightly. "You look so well," he said, his eyes staring at hers. "How long have you been back in London?"

"About an hour," Ruth said honestly. "I just got in from Heathrow. I saw you on the street. Or I thought it was you. God, it is so good to see you."

Harry said nothing, instead he simply stared at her, a small smile on his face. "So, it's a stupid question considering you've just landed, but do you have anywhere to be? Or do you have time… for a coffee or something."

"Unfortunately I do have to be somewhere," Ruth said regretfully. "My daughter's getting married. I might have an hour."

"Your daughter?" Harry questioned, a light in his eyes but more guarded this time. She noticed his eyes dip to her hand to check whether she wore a wedding ring.

"No, I'm not married Harry," she said quietly. She instinctively looked at his hand and saw no ring on his finger.

"I'm not married either," he said, correctly interpreting her glance.

Ruth was about to speak when her phone rang. "Sorry," she said. "Can you just wait a minute?" Harry nodded as she answered it. "Hello?"

"Mom, what the hell are you playing at?! Get back to the car, I'm parked on double yellows."

"Sorry sweetheart, I saw an old friend of mine," she said. "I may have left without explaining myself."

"You _may have_?" Claire said. "Look, we need to check you into the hotel. Mother of the bride and all that?"

"I know," she said. "I'm going to have a coffee with my friend, and I know I'm causing problems for you. I'm sorry."

"God mom…" Claire said. "You are the best mother in the world but your timing is awful." She sighed. "Please be at the hotel by six sharp. I have my last wedding dress fitting and I really want you to be there for it. To see what I'm going to wear on Saturday."

"I promise I will be there," Ruth said. "I mean it. I haven't seen your dress, not even pictures and I want to know how beautiful my daughter's going to look."

"Thanks mom," Claire said. "You're going to have to explain in detail when you get to the hotel."

"I promise. Bye sweetheart." Ruth put the phone down and looked at Harry. "I have a couple of hours," she said. "Coffee?"

"Yes," Harry said, his face in a broad grin. "I think we have some catching up to do."

"Mm," she said. "That we do." She couldn't help the smile on her face.

"There's a coffee shop over the street," Harry said. Ruth turned, spotting it and nodded. They both walked towards it, unable to make their smiles vanish from their faces.

They sat down and ordered, Harry let himself groan when Ruth ordered a caramel latte. "God, you have spent too much time in America." Ruth laughed.

"Can you forgive me?"

"Always." Ruth smiled at him easily. "You know, you have a slight American accent."

"No!" Ruth said. "Don't tell me that. Claire's the American one, I'm proud I still have my British accent."

"Sorry," he said. "I can still tell. Claire?"

"My daughter," Ruth said. "She's beautiful, even though I'm biased."

"Any daughter of yours would be," Harry said. Ruth smiled warmly at him. "How old is she?"

"Twenty three," Ruth said, knowing that there was more to this question than simple curiosity.

"Ah," Harry said. "So that's why you sent that email? All those years ago?"

"No," Ruth said honestly. "I didn't know until a few days later that I was expecting. I was attempting to move on from you. I didn't exactly succeed as well as I thought I would." Harry smiled at her sadly. Ruth suddenly had a thought and ferreted around in her purse for a picture. She always carried one. Claire had been about five and was piggybacking on Ruth's back. The sun had been shining and one of Ruth's neighbours had taken the picture. It was her favourite. She passed the photo to Harry, who took it and smiled at the image.

"She looks like an angel," Harry said.

"Yeah," Ruth agreed. "She's now a much bigger angel."

"Can I be impertinent?"

"I'm sure you can if I remember you rightly."

Harry inclined his head in acknowledgement. "Her… father? You said you're not married."

"No I'm not," she said. "Her father means less than nothing to me. I met him in Italy. It was a quick meaningless relationship. I told him when I found myself pregnant, of course I did. But he got… a bit angry. He hit me, so I didn't hang around to wait for it to happen again. I left Italy."

"Oh Ruth, I'm so sorry," Harry said sincerely.

She shrugged slightly. She was used to her history. "While we're on the subject, everyone knows me as Rosie. I never lost that identity."

Harry sighed. "I never wanted this," he said. "I feel like it's my fault."

"It's not," she said. "Don't worry. If things didn't happen this way, I wouldn't have Claire. And no matter what, I wouldn't give her back for the world."

"I'm sure," he said. "I'm sorry anyway."

Ruth shrugged. "How about you? What's happened since I last saw you?"  
Harry beamed, and she knew he had good news. "Well, the best news recently is that I have a great grandson."

"Oh really!" Ruth said.

"Yeah, Jack. He's only six weeks old but he's gorgeous."

"Have you got a picture?" Harry nodded and quickly gave her one from his wallet. "Oh! You forget how small they were. He's precious." Harry beamed. "Although you are making me feel old. You have a great grandson!"

"I know," he said. "That was my reaction when I heard." Ruth laughed and then took a sip of her coffee, waiting for something else to be said.

* * *

**Thanks for all the reviews so far. More coming soon. I will probably keep the Then and Now format for the whole, unless reviewers think I should abandon the Then parts. Let me know. :)**


	4. Chapter 4

_**Then.**_

Harry collapsed onto the sofa and closed his eyes. It was two a.m. and he'd just got in from an exhausting day on the grid, culminating in a long JIC meeting. All he wanted to do was sleep, but he had a nagging feeling in the back of his mind that he'd forgotten something. He was halfway to sleep when it hit him. He needed to check his and Ruth's secret email account. He had no idea why he found it so urgent to check at two in the morning, but it was a feeling.

Even through the exhaustion he managed to drag his feet upstairs to his office, to boot up his laptop. It only took five minutes, but he suddenly felt wide awake. He knew there was a message waiting for him, even if it was irrational, he knew one was there. So it was with little surprise that he saw an email saved in the draft folder. He clicked it open and then began to read.

_Harry,_  
_ I am so sorry, but this email is going to be the last I send to you. I have safely left the UK, and I appreciate that you worry, but the worst is behind me now. I can never move on if I am constantly wondering and waiting to hear information and news from you. It is not fair on either of us, and you know that deep in your heart. As much as it pains me to break contact with you, I need to get on with my life. I am safe and well, and I hope it is enough for you to live with that knowledge. This was always going to be a heartless email, and I feel that way now I'm writing it. For that I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you, but as my coming back to the UK seems impossible, I feel that cutting our ties is the best way for me to continue to live away from home._

_Know that I always felt deeply for you as you did for me. This is simply a way for us both to be able to move on. I'm so sorry Harry. In spite of the absence and the time between us, I remain always yours, Ruth._

He read it twice, the feeling of finality washing over him. She'd used their real names which was the biggest sign she could give that this really would be the last message they shared. Oh Ruth. He felt tears pricking his eyes because it was so hard to let her go. To lose this one remaining way of contacting her. But he too had often felt the strain and the impossibility of living in the past. This email wasn't exactly unexpected but every word hurt. He decided to send her a quick message, feeling he wanted to say one last word.

_Ruth,_  
_ I understand why our messaging can no longer continue. Even though it saddens me. What I said last year about wanting you to be happy, I meant it. And I still wish that more than anything in the world. You're right. Living in the past is not helpful. But I will always be here if you need me. Thank you for one last message, hurtful as it was I will treasure it. Yours with love, Harry._

He saved it in the draft folder and then shut the computer down, his heart lower than ever before. He had known this was coming, but he felt devastated anyway. The tears came and he couldn't stop them.

* * *

The next morning Harry awoke with a crick in his neck. He'd slept in his office, still thinking about Ruth and his body was aching for it. He couldn't think about Ruth any longer because his mobile rang.

"Yeah?"

"Hi dad," Catherine said perkily. "Look, I know its early but you're usually up so I hoped it was fine I called?"

"Of course darling," he said. "You can call any time, you know that."

"Well good," Catherine said. "Because I have news for you. Are you ready?"

"Good news?"

"Yes."

"Go on then."

"I'm pregnant," she said eagerly. "You're going to be a granddad!"

"Oh that's wonderful," Harry said, although he had guessed. The last time he'd seen Catherine she'd been wearing baggy tops which covered the swell of her stomach. Harry had noticed, but was happy that she now felt comfortable enough to tell him. "I'm so happy for you."

"Dad!" she shouted down the phone. "You already knew didn't you!"

"I had noticed a slight bump last time I saw you," Harry admitted. "Sorry. I didn't want to say anything."

"Oh dad… I should have known better than to try and hide anything from you."

"Yes you should," he agreed. "But I am thrilled."

"So am I," she said. "Thanks dad." By the time the phone call ended Harry knew what he had to do. He had to put Ruth to one side in his mind, and live with the life he had. Hard as it might be.

* * *

**_Now._**

"You have four grandchildren?" Ruth asked happily.

"Yes," Harry agreed. "Catherine has three, Julia, Thomas and Henry, and Graham has Lucy. She's only twelve and takes daddy's little girl very seriously."

"She sounds sweet," Ruth said. "Henry? She named her youngest after you?"

"Yes," Harry said. "He wasn't exactly planned and by that point I had retired. I tried to make things up with my children and it seemed to have worked. I'm a better grandfather than I was a father."

"Harry…"

"I'm not asking for sympathy, it's simply true," Harry said. "Just wait. As Claire's getting married you might have grandchildren soon."

"Oh God don't!" Ruth said. "I'm far too young to be someone's nana."

"I've decided that "old" is about twenty years older than my current age. Because I know I'm getting up there, but I don't feel old."

"I don't feel like I'm sixty either," she agreed. She looked at her watch but she hadn't adjusted the time for Greenwich mean time yet. "What is the time?"

"Er, five past five," Harry said.

"I have to go," she said. "Claire's having her last wedding dress fitting. I have to be there."

"Of course you do," he agreed. "I wouldn't have you miss it."

"Let me give you my phone number," she said. "I'd like to meet up again now I'm in London. If that's okay?"

"I'd be angry if you didn't," he said. She wrote down her mobile number on a napkin and gave it to him. Harry smiled at her easily and grasped her phone number tightly. "I'll call."

"Do." She looked out of the window, seeing that darkness was slowly gathering.

"I need a cab."

"Taxi, you're still British," Harry corrected before he could stop himself.

"Fine. Taxi." Her eyes were glinting at him, bright blue just as he remembered.

"Bye Harry." He let her go and watched her on the pavement for a moment before she hailed a taxi. Then she was gone as if she'd never been. The only hint of her presence was her phone number still clasped in his hand. Harry smiled. He felt so very happy to see her again.

* * *

Ruth arrived at the hotel lobby and found Claire instantly, her face angry. "Mom, what the hell?"

"I'm so sorry," she said. "I genuinely saw an old friend of mine. I haven't seen him in more than twenty five years. I'm sorry I didn't explain myself."

Claire sighed. "Well I'm glad you're here," she said. "You're in room 45b, here's your key. I've put your bags there already."

"Thank you," Ruth said, smiling at her.

"Oh good!" Claire said, turning to see her dressmaker. "Mom, this is Kelly, she's amazing with white silk."

"Nice to meet you," she said perfunctorily. "Shall we start?"

"Yes," Claire replied eagerly. "Come on mom, I want you to see it. Ruth followed, glad to see her daughter so happy.

* * *

"Oh wow! You look beautiful," Ruth breathed. It was true, a strapless column dress which flared out at her feet, matched with a very light veil and tiara. She looked like a princess. "

"Really?" she asked as she turned on the spot, making the dress spin out. Ruth could only guess at what a dress like that would cost.

"Claire its perfect. What shoe's are you going to wear?"

"Flats," she admitted. "No one can see my feet anyway, and this way I'll be able to dance all night."

"Perfect." Ruth hugged her daughter for a moment, wondering how she managed to grow up so much when she wasn't looking. "You look too good for him."

Claire giggled slightly to herself. "But you do like him don't you?" she asked nervously.

"Of course I do," Ruth said, knowing her daughter needed reassurance. "Cold feet?"

"Not really," she said. "Not about him anyway. I just don't want to end up divorced."

"Sweetheart, it will be fine." Claire smiled to herself.

"Help me unzip the dress. I want to keep it nice for Saturday." Ruth did and when Claire was getting changed Ruth voiced something.

"I wondered… if it might be okay if I invite someone to your wedding on Saturday?"

"Oh yeah, sure," Claire said, her voice muffled as she pulled her T shirt on. "There's going to be so many people one more won't make a difference. Who?"

"Harry," Ruth said. "My old friend. I want to see him because its been so long since I was in London. I hope it'll be okay."

"Mom! Have you got a toy boy?"

"Claire, no!" Ruth said as her daughter giggled. "He's sixteen years older than me."

"Bloody hell, he must be ancient," Claire said. Ruth would have given her a playful slap but her daughter was out of reach. "Yeah mom, its fine. God knows you've been alone for long enough."

"Careful, I might start to sound like a recluse," Ruth said. Claire emerged and they both put her dress back in the garment bag carefully. Claire zipped it up and looked at her mother.

"Honestly, invite him," she said. "I don't mind."

"Good," Ruth said. "Thanks sweetheart."

"By the way, we're going out in about half an hour for dinner," Claire said. "Edward and me and his parents. I thought you'd want to come."

"Of course. Let me get changed though. And I daresay my jet lag will hit me soon, but I'll do my best." Claire smiled.

"Thanks mom."

* * *

**Thank you for all the encouraging reviews. Hope this chapter didn't disappoint!**


	5. Chapter 5

_**Then**_.

Harry had to go to yet another pointless function with which his presence was required. He had to attend as it was the DG's retirement party. Harry had seen countless occupants of that office come and go, and here was another leaving his hallowed office. Harry remembered failing gracefully, with Ruth's help last time. Maybe she'd done too good a job because this time he hadn't even been invited to apply. Not that he minded. He had no time to waste redecorating an office with a perfect view, he liked his job as it was. Which is how he found himself sipping champagne with more than a hundred MI5 agents milling around.

"Harry Pearce, I haven't seen you for at least three years," a female voice said from behind him. He turned and smiled at Penelope Conners, an MI6 agent who was competent and had integrity. Such a rare combination, especially after twenty years. Her blonde hair was tied up elegantly and she looked good in a fitted blouse and skirt which showed her body off well.

"Hi Penny," Harry said. "How are you?"

"Better than you it seems," she said. "You look run down Harry."

"You know how it is," he said with a shrug. "Bad men which we try to kill and capture. Who then try and kill and capture us. Looking run down is a by product of the job we do."

"Well, aren't you just a bright ray of sunshine?" Penny said. Harry allowed himself a small smile at that. "Oh God, I've managed to make the great Harry Pearce smile. My powers are more than I knew. Whisky?"

"Thanks," he said. "I hate champagne."

"I'll be right back." Harry watched her leave and return with two drinks from the bar in very quick order. During their conversation Harry knew that Penny was attracted to him. He might have been out of the game for a while, but he still remembered what flirting looked like. And the brush of her fingers against his hand and her fluttering eyelashes were less than subtle hints. He enjoyed chatting to her, and she was perfectly lovely. But she wasn't Ruth. But he would never have Ruth again. What would be the harm if, just for one night, he remembered what it felt like to be alive? It would be so easy. And Penny was giving him all the signals he remembered from before. Sure enough she leaned in and brushed her lips over his jaw.

"My flat's not too far away," she whispered. "If you like, you can come over. And check out how comfortable my bed is?"

Harry finished his whisky to give himself a second or two of thinking time. "Lets go."

* * *

Harry stood overlooking the city from Penelope's penthouse suite. She might call it a flat, but clearly working up in the higher echelons of MI6 paid well. It was a beautiful flat with an entire glass wall that overlooked the Thames. Harry felt mildly disgusted with himself for caving into his baser desires and having sex with Penny. It had been quick and intense and had filled a need after years of celibacy, but little more than that. He did not fool himself that their relationship would be more than sex.

"Harry?" she sighed as she turned over, the sheet wrapped around her.

"I'm here," he said, before coming back and sitting on the edge of the bed. "Just looking over the city."

"I like it at night like this," she said quietly. "Get back into bed Harry."

"Oh Penny, I think this was a mistake," he said. "As much as I hate to say it, it shouldn't have happened."

"Harry, stop trying to take care of me," Penny said. "I'm a big girl and I know what I'm doing. I know you're grieving for someone too."

"I am," he agreed. "I can't talk about her."

"I don't want to know," she said quickly. "But I miss human contact sometimes. Harry this was just sex. You know that as well as I do. Get back in bed, no matter what you need sleep." He did after a moment, glad that she didn't want something he couldn't give. She reached for him and kissed him, her hand reaching lower and in sensitive places. He gasped and pulled back for a moment but then gave in to his urges. It had been so long after all. "Turn over," he demanded. She chuckled as she did so and he lost himself in her for the rest of the night.

* * *

_**Now.**_

Ruth awoke slowly and happily. It took her a moment to remember where she was, but when she did she smiled. She was in a large hotel room in a comfy bed in the middle of London and her daughter was getting married tomorrow.

Looking at the clock she realised she'd slept for more than fourteen hours. Going onto a new time zone really was exhausting. Very quickly in her waking state she thought of Harry. She picked up her phone and saw that there was already a message on it. Smiling, she listened to it.

"Hi Ruth, I mean Rosie. God I'll never get used to that. Anyway, just calling to see how you are. It was so good to see you again. Hope to hear from you soon. Harry." She smiled and felt happy for the first time in years, where her happiness was not associated with Claire. She saved his number into her phone and then called him.

"Hello?"

"Hi Harry, it's me," she said. "Do you have time to talk?"

"Yeah of course," he said, his voice warm and sweet. "How are you?"

"Good," she said. "An awful lot better for a good nights sleep. I wanted to ask you something."

"That sounds ominous," he said.

"No, its good," she said. "I'd like to spend more time with you, and as I'm flying back on Tuesday, there's not a lot of time before I go back to the US. I wondered if you'd like to come with me to Claire's wedding tomorrow." There was a pause which made Ruth feel nervous. She didn't think there would be any question.

"Are you sure you want me to come?" he asked. "I'll know no one there. And I wouldn't want to intrude on Claire's day."

"It's a big wedding," Ruth said. "Hundreds of guests. And I really thought you'd like to come. I'm sorry if I assumed. I shouldn't have. Never mind. It was a silly idea."

Her rambling reminded him so much of the old times that his heart melted to her. His Ruth who he remembered so well. "Ruth, stop blathering," he said. "Of course I'll come."

"You will?"

"Of course I will," he said. "I'm sure I have a suit somewhere."

"Great," Ruth said happily. "The ceremony starts at twelve, so if you arrive about eleven thirty?"

"Perfect," Harry said. "Where is it?"

"The Lily Rose hotel," Ruth said.

"Oh, very nice," Harry said. "That's where you're staying?"

"Yes," Ruth said. "It's beautiful. Claire has good taste."

"I'm sure."

"I need to warn you that there will be quite a lot of Americans here," Ruth said. "Claire has friends from Connecticut, and they're all coming over. Will you cope?"

"As long as they aren't Russian, I think I'll be just fine," Harry said. She smiled at his voice. It felt so good to hear from him.

"Did Russians beat the Americans on your most hated list?"

"Yes," he said fervently, making her laugh. "What's Claire like? What was she like when she was younger?"

"You really want to know?"

"Of course I do," he said. "I've missed rather a lot of your life, and she's the most important thing to you. Tell me about her."

"Okay then," Ruth said. "She's always been a ball of energy. When she was a child she always wanted to do a dozen things at once. She never did things by halves either. One summer she refused to get out of her jeans and was being a right tomboy. The next year it was all pink and fairy wings. She loved it. Very smart girl."

"Wasn't that a given?" Harry asked. "She is your daughter."

"She got a scholarship to Oxford."

"God, she really is like you," Harry said. "What did you say when she got in?"

"She didn't even tell me she was applying overseas until her acceptance letters arrived. I think she was a bit afraid she wouldn't get in, but she did. I heard a scream from her room when she opened it, she was just so happy. And she'd applied to Cambridge too."

"Oh dear," Harry said, his voice low. "Did you steer her towards Oxford?"

"I might have," she admitted as Harry laughed. "My daughter couldn't go to Cambridge!"

"No, I know," Harry said, his voice laced with amusement. "Did she like Oxford?"

"She loved it," Ruth said. "But I missed her terribly."

"I bet," Harry said. She smiled into the phone but then there was a knock on her door.

"I have to go. I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Perfect," Harry said. "Give my best to the bride."

"Bye." Ruth got up and opened the door a crack.

"Mom, we have our spa day today, are you still in bed?"

"Jet lag," she said letting her daughter in. "I have an excuse. Are you sure you want your mother hanging along? Its your hen night… Well, day," she edited. Claire had decided she wanted a spa day as opposed to getting plastered the night before her wedding.

"Mom, of course I want you there. All my friends thought you were the best mom while growing up. You're coming."

"Fine," Ruth said, very pleased all the same. "I'll just get some breakfast then I'll be up."

"Thanks mom."

"Excited?"

"Yes," she said. "Excited, nervous, scared, elated, happy. Every thing you could feel, I'm feeling it." Ruth smiled at her, her heart warm.

"You look happy," Ruth said. "I need some bacon, but I'll be there soon." Claire smiled and then left. Ruth leaned against the door and smiled. She couldn't remember feeling this content.

* * *

**Thank you for all the reviews so far. More hopefully tomorrow.**


	6. Chapter 6

_**Then.**_

"Are they ready yet?!"

"Nearly," Ruth said. "You have to wait until the timer rings." Claire looked at the cooking timer on the kitchen table and sighed exaggeratedly.

"But mom! I want cookies!"

"Come on darling, you are much more polite than that," Ruth chastised lightly. "You have to patient."

"Mom, I'm five!" she said loudly, pouting her lip. Ruth laughed at her.

"Still, you can be a bit better behaved than that."

"Sorry," she said grumpily. She sat on the chair looking at the ticking egg timer and kicking her feet in mid air. Ruth watched her with warmth and almost laughed aloud when the timer buzzed and Claire eagerly jumped up, her blonde hair swinging in a sheet. "Cookies! Lets get them out, I'm starving!"

"I'm going to take them out because the tray will be hot," Ruth said. "We don't want you burning your fingers do we?"

"No," she said solemnly. "What if you burn your fingers?"

"I'm a mother," Ruth said as she took the tray out of the oven. "I've had practise." She put the tray on top of the oven and started depositing cookies onto a cooling rack, as (to her credit) Claire managed to stay still and watch, even as her mouth was watering. Ruth chuckled to herself and picked up one biscuit. It was hot, but not too much, so she gave it to her daughter. "There you go."

"Thank you!" she said happily, skipping off to eat it. Ruth knew she'd find crumbs in the sofa later, but at the moment she didn't mind. As long as Claire was happy. Ruth put the rest of the biscuits on the cooling tray and smiled to herself.

The day was a perfect sunny Spring day. She had a good life in spite of everything that had conspired against her. A wonderful daughter, a great house and a good job (not intellectually challenging, but secretarial work was better than other things she'd done). Life was good. She felt lonely from time to time, but it was a small price to pay for the safety of her daughter.

Suddenly there was an incredibly loud screech of brakes from the street outside and a small crash as Ruth felt fear fill her. She went into the lounge but Claire wasn't there. And the front door was open. "CLAIRE!" She ran into the street, her heart in her mouth as she saw a car scraped against her next door neighbours garden wall. She scanned the area, looking for her daughter and found her sitting on the pavement, a man crouched over her.

"Claire!" Ruth ran over to her and saw that she'd been crying.

"Mommy," she sniffed, holding her arms out for Ruth. Ruth picked her up desperately and held her close.

"Are you hurt?" Ruth asked, stroking Claire's hair.

"Not really," she said quietly. "I think I'm okay."

"Good," Ruth said. "What happened?" she asked to the man who was clearly the driver of the car.

"She just ran out into the road," he said simply, looking worried between mother and daughter. "I slammed the brakes on and steered away from her. I'm sorry. Is she okay?"

Ruth looked at her daughter and saw that apart from being shaken and scared, she was fine. She nodded to the stranger in agreement "Claire, you don't leave the house without telling me." Ruth said firmly. "And you have to be careful of the road, you know that."

"I'm sorry mommy," she said, looking like she wanted to start crying again. "I didn't mean to. I didn't see the car!"

"I know," Ruth said trying to keep control of her emotions. "Go into the house and have a cookie. And stay inside. I'll be there in a minute." Claire nodded and Ruth watched her carefully until she closed the door behind her. With a relieved sigh she turned to the stranger who started speaking before she could think.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't see her and then all of a sudden she was there running out in the middle of the road. I tried to avoid her, but I had no choice than to go into the wall. I'm really glad she's okay."

Ruth looked at the car and saw it was a very expensive BMW. There were dents in the front and scratches all down the side. His first intention had clearly been to avoid hitting Claire rather than worrying about the car for which she was grateful. "I'm sorry, you must think I'm a terrible mother, letting her run on the street like that. She's normally well behaved."

"No, I don't think you're a terrible mother," he said, smiling with relief now that he knew this woman wasn't going to start shouting at him for almost running her child down. "I had four of my own, I know what a handful kids are."

"Let me pay for the damages to your car. It wouldn't have happened if Claire had stayed where I told her to."

"No, I'm not going to let you do that," he said. "What's the paintwork really matter in the grand scheme of things? Forget it." Ruth looked at him and saw he was in his late forties, had slightly greying hair and was dressed in a business suit. He clearly had somewhere to be, and she felt a slight twinge of guilt as it seemed Claire had caused this. Plus he was being so nice, which made it that much harder to hate him when he almost run over her daughter. Ruth also noticed that he wasn't wearing a wedding ring. Then she wondered why she'd noticed it.

"Please let me pay," she said.

"Look, this was no ones fault," he said. "She ran out, I braked and went into the wall. It doesn't matter."

"Please…"

"Tell you what, give me your phone number and I'll leave happy."

Ruth was so thrown by that that she stood in shocked silence. "What?"

"Give me your number," he repeated with a casual confidence. "I'd like to ask you out sometime."

"That's so inappropriate," she said once she got her jaw off the floor. "You know nothing about me."

"I'm Luke. What's your name?"

"Ru… Rosie," she said. And the fact that she'd nearly given her real name told her more about her instant attraction to him than anything else. So she ignored logic and rationality. And she gave him her number.

* * *

**_Now._**

Harry arrived at the hotel very nervous. The Lily Rose hotel was famous for it's weddings, and Harry had already seen at least three different wedding parties and he had only gone into the lobby. It had been a long time since he'd felt this vulnerable. He asked himself for a moment why he was even here. Because Ruth asked you, he reminded himself. Because she wants to share her daughters day with you. Don't question it.

He looked around and knew he'd never find her without help. He quickly got his phone out and called her. "Harry?"

"Hi. I'm here, I just have no idea where to go," Harry said.

"Yeah, sorry," Ruth said. "Take the elevator up to the third floor. I'll meet you there."

"Great," Harry said, for the moment not picking up on her Americanism. "I'll see you in a minute."

"Okay." He headed towards the lift and very soon the doors popped open on the third floor. He saw a small and elegant notice saying "17th September, The Johnson-Barber wedding." Harry recognised none of that but knew Ruth's name when she left had been Rosie Barber. It saddened him that she still had to use it.

"Harry!" He recognised her voice and smiled as she came into sight. "I'm so pleased you're here," she said honestly. Ruth looked wonderful, in dark blue with a sprig of flowers on her jacket.

"You look great," Harry said honestly.

"Mother of the bride-ish?" Ruth asked.

"No, not nearly that frumpy."

Ruth smiled. "Come on, lets sit down." Harry allowed her to lead to where the guests were, through the maze of corridors until he saw the event room. Milling with people in their finest and he followed Ruth, sitting at the front.

"How's Claire?" Harry asked.

"Giddy with happiness," Ruth said eagerly. "But she is nervous too."

"Is she?" a worried voice asked. Ruth turned and saw the expectant groom biting his lip slightly. "Well… how nervous?"

"She isn't going to stand you up," Ruth said firmly, smiling at the younger man. "She's having the finishing touches to her makeup done, and then adjusting her veil. She's not going to miss this."

"Good," Edward said, clearly relieved. "I… don't recognise you," he added blankly, seeing Harry.

"Oh, Edward this is my old friend Harry," Ruth said making the introductions calmly. So much so that Harry was surprised and impressed by her composure.

"Nice to meet you," Harry said. "It would have been better on a less pressure packed day…" he said glaring at Ruth for a moment.

"I'm only in the country for a few days," she said, looking at him with a faked blue eyed innocence. Harry chuckled.

"I'm sorry I'm not more chatty," Edward said. "I just so badly want to see her walk down that aisle."

"She will," Ruth said with confidence. Edward moved off to chat to his best man, leaving Harry and Ruth alone. She smiled at him for a moment.

"So tell me how do you really feel about your son in law?" Harry said in a low voice, making sure it wouldn't carry.

"He's perfectly lovely," Ruth said. "He has a good job and he adores her. There is nothing wrong with him at all. But I think she's going to outgrow him."

"Really?" Harry asked.

Ruth nodded. "What a woman wants at twenty isn't what she wants at forty. I think this has the earmarks of a first marriage of two. Maybe three."

"Oh, so speaks the romantic," Harry said sarcastically.

"I'd never breathe a word of that to Claire," Ruth said. "Because if I'm wrong she'll never forgive me. And if I'm correct she'll never forgive me for being right."

"Yes," Harry said. "I learned the hard way that when it comes to your children, never tell them what to do. They only hate you for it." Ruth rolled her eyes good naturedly. "I must say, for a mother who thinks this is a mistake you look remarkably calm."

"I'm not a fool. I know she loves him," Ruth said. "I'm not going to interfere. And Claire is very happy." Harry smiled at her. "Thank you for coming," she said. "I know it's hard when you know no one."

"I don't mind," he said. "But it's been a while since I felt nervous going into a room."

"Really?" Ruth asked her face lighting up. She never got an answer as the bridal march played and everyone stood. Ruth looked at her daughter coming up the aisle and felt tears welling in her eyes before she could stop it. Harry reached for her and held her hand very gently. She squeezed back but didn't take her eyes off of her beautiful daughter.

The ceremony passed in a blur, and in spite of her private doubts Ruth had never been prouder. Her daughter looked beautiful and happy and when Edward kissed his bride there was smiles all around. A lot of the guests started going through to the reception room, but Ruth hung back.

"Harry, I have to be in the official photos. Do you mind going on without me? Open bar?"

"No problem at all," Harry said. He leaned forward and brushed his lips over her cheek gently. "I'll be waiting." She blushed for a moment before moving to hug her newly married daughter.

* * *

**_More soon!_**


	7. Chapter 7

_**Then.**_

Ruth took a sip of red wine, her heart heavy when it should be light. It was Valentines Day and her relationship with Luke had been going on for about ten months. She liked him, he was wonderful but she knew it wouldn't last. Because in her mind and her heart she was still grieving for Harry. Luke sighed and she looked up from the table into his grey eyes.

"Rosie, I can't do this any more," he said quietly. "You're so often some place else. You're never in the present with me."

"I know," she said because it was true. Even when they were in bed together her mind was elsewhere, and she also knew it wasn't fair to him.

"I understand that you're grieving for Claire's father," he said. "And I don't mean to sound callous, but I can't go on with you always living in the past."

Ruth gulped down her wine quickly. She had known this was coming sooner or later. "Look Luke, I like you, I really do. You're a perfectly nice guy. But I can't do anything about the fact I still have feelings for someone else. Even though there is absolutely nothing that can be done. I am so sorry."

"Don't be," he said. "I expected it really. And it isn't your fault either. Its just not working is it?"

"No I don't think it is," she said. "I wanted it to. Really I did. I don't like being stuck in the past either. I can't seem to change it. I'm sorry."

"Rosie, you are a wonderful woman, and Claire is an angel. Don't apologise for what you are." Ruth unexplainably felt her eyes filling with tears. Maybe because the last ten months had been for nothing and she hadn't been able to make the relationship work, even though she had honestly wanted to and tried her hardest. "I'm going to leave," he said. "I don't want to make a scene, we're both too old for that but I think its for the best." Ruth nodded because he was right. Luke got up and kissed her cheek gently. "Take care of yourself," he said. "I mean that."

"I'm sorry Luke," she said. "I never meant for it to end up like this." He inclined his head in agreement. Heads swung around as he left and Ruth felt slightly embarrassed that she'd been left alone in a restaurant on Valentines day. A waitress came over to her, a sad look on her face and asked if she wanted anything else.

"Yes, I'll have the chocolate fudge cake with cream," she said, fixing a fake smile to her face. The waitress hid her surprise and went to get Ruth's dessert. Ruth sighed to herself. Her relationship had ended in the way she expected it to, but it didn't make her feel any better. She was treating herself to chocolate because if there wasn't a man in her life, what was a couple of extra pounds going to matter? If she couldn't make it work with Luke, it was never going to work with anyone. Because he was as good and whole a man as she could ever meet. Ruth somehow knew that in this stage of her life she wouldn't be able to make any relationship work. Except with one man. Sighing she picked up her fork as she started on her chocolate cake. It really was good.

* * *

_**Now.**_

Ruth and Harry sat at their table having eaten a wonderful meal at the wedding. They had been talking about their children and Harry's grandchildren and it had been so good to become reacquainted again. Ruth felt so glad she'd invited him and for Harry's part he was very pleased he'd come too. They had just been talking about their children's escapades at school when Claire came over. Ruth had been so involved in their conversation that she hadn't noticed her daughter coming.

"Mom!"

"Hi Claire," she said, turning around.

"Congratulations," Harry said, smiling at the bride.

"Claire, this is Harry," Ruth said. "My old friend." Claire nodded and surveyed Harry critically. He had the sense he was being measured up and hoped he wouldn't be found lacking. Eventually she smiled and said "nice to meet you. How do you know my mother?"

"I worked with her about… thirty years ago," Harry said. "When she lived in London."

"I can't believe it was that long ago," Ruth said shaking her head as her eyes returned to Harry. Claire knew that she was in the way so she smiled and then left them to it. "How _did_ you end up leaving MI5?"

"I got old and tired and no one wanted to work with me any more," Harry said.

"I don't believe that," Ruth said.

"That's why you're you," he said. "No, seriously it was still good fun for a few years after you left, but then it turned into a job completely drowning in paperwork and politics. Terrorists turned into hi-tech people like Malcolm rather than idealists, and there was no satisfaction about catching people like that. Or not for me anyway. I left about eight years after you did, cashing in my pension for a comfortable retirement."

"You used to believe so firmly in MI5," Ruth said. "In what it stood for. It's sad that that's how it ended up for you."

"I love this country, and I loved protecting it. But it's a young persons game Ruth. I didn't fit any more. It was time for me to go."

"I still find it sad," she said. "But I'm glad you didn't get shot or do anything stupid."

"I did get shot," he said. "I just had a bullet proof vest on, that's all. Hurt like hell though." Ruth chuckled, safe in the knowledge that Harry was well in the present. "Do you want to dance?"

Ruth smiled at him. "Yes, I'd love to. When something slow comes on."  
Harry nodded, smiling at her. Ruth was amazed after all these years his smile could still make her heart skip a beat.

* * *

Claire sat down next to one of her bridesmaids with a sigh, very happy but her feet starting to twinge with pain from all the dancing she'd done. "Claire you look beautiful," Chloe said with a smile. "But I think your mothers having the best time out of anyone."

"Where is she?" Claire asked, looking over the masses of wedding guests.

"On the dance floor with her silver fox," Chloe said. Claire looked over and saw them. She seemed very happy and oblivious to the rest of the world. Only to the man in her arms.

"You think he's a silver fox?" Claire asked.

"God no!" she said loudly. "But she clearly does."

"Please can we not talk about my mom like that!" Claire said. Chloe laughed and passed her a glass of champagne. "Oh, great. That'll make me forget about it," Claire said, downing it in one. "But she does look happy doesn't she?"

"Yeah," Chloe said. "I'd say she does."

* * *

Ruth smiled as the song came to an end. She had no idea how many numbers she'd danced to with Harry but she knew it was more than she'd danced in the last twenty years combined. "My feet are killing me," she admitted. "What's the time?"

"Er… eleven," he said. Time had flown past and he hadn't even noticed.

"I'm exhausted," she said. "Do you mind terribly if I call it a night?"

"Not at all," Harry said. "I'll walk you to your room. If that's okay, it sounded cheesy now I've said it." Ruth laughed and nodded.

"Hang on a minute, I need to take my shoes off." She sat down and slipped her heels off. Claire was dancing with her husband and Ruth didn't want to disturb. She caught her eye and waved. Ruth waved back for a moment before leaving the reception, Harry's arm around her waist. "I'm on the next floor up."

"Okay," he said. "Suddenly I see why the Lily Rose is famed for its weddings," Harry said. "No one's had to lift a finger all day. And the cake was amazing."

Ruth chuckled as they meandered slowly towards the lift together.  
"It was a great day."

"Claire is beautiful," Harry said. "Just like her mother." Ruth smiled at the compliment.

"It was the dress," Ruth said diplomatically.

"It wasn't and you know it," Harry said pushing the button for the lift. "She's a well turned out young woman. You did an amazing job in horrible circumstances."

"Thank you Harry," she said sincerely.

He smiled at her and they said little of anything until they got to her door and she pulled the room key out from her pocket. "Thank you for coming. I've had… the best day imaginable. Even though I was looking forward to Claire getting married, you made the day special."

"That's not true but thank you for the compliment," Harry said. Without thinking or planning it, he leaned in and kissed her, softly at first but then more passionate. By the time they parted Ruth was breathing heavily.

"Goodnight Harry," she whispered.

"Goodnight Ruth," he replied, his voice low as he kissed her jaw gently. She smiled as he walked away and then closed her hotel door behind her, her heart racing, her breathing heavy and a smile on her face. That had been wonderful and so perfect.

* * *

**I will probably dispense with the _Then_ parts, as I've now got to the end of the plan for the past. More of the present coming though! Thank you so much for the reviews so far.**


	8. Chapter 8

Jack would not be quiet. Harry was becoming exasperated with his great grandson, and he hated that he couldn't get him to be quiet. It was the first time he'd babysat and he wondered if Julia would ever let him look after Jack again. "What do you want little man?" he asked over the crying. "Oh come on, I'm not that bad. Your mum's only gone out for lunch, she'll be back in less than an hour, please stop crying."

There was a ring on the doorbell which made Jack scream even louder. Harry sighed but held him tightly as he tried to open the door one handed. When he did he was surprised to see Ruth there. "Come in," he said, not even pausing to say hello. She did, her lips twitching at seeing Sir Harry Pearce struggling with a screaming baby.

"Having fun?" she called over the noise.

"He's not hungry, he's been changed but he won't stop crying," Harry said in despair, rocking Jack up and down. "Any bright ideas?"

Ruth was silent for a moment, thinking. Then she held out her arms for the baby. "May I? If I'm not imposing, or overstepping the mark."

"Oh, be my guest," he said, carefully handing the baby over. Ruth sat down on the sofa and took him, starting to move him into different positions slowly, seeing if anything would calm him. After about five minutes she'd found the trick. She laid him on her chest, his legs and arms curled up tight, as if taking up the smallest amount of space possible. The silence was a relief to Harry's ears and he sighed.

"That looks so uncomfortable," he said.

"Well, you have to think that for nine months babies haven't had a lot of room," Ruth said quietly. "Curling up tightly is comfortable for them. Even though I agree it looks so strange. At least its not what used to calm Claire. She liked being held upside down. It took me about three months to work that one out."  
Harry smiled. "Babies are… odd creatures," he said. "Shall I take him and put him in his crib? I know he's heavy when he sleeps on you."

"No, he's fine as he is," Ruth said. "You forget how small they were." Harry sat down next to her but said nothing. Instead he ran his palm over Jack's blonde head gently for a moment or two.

"How did you find my house?" Ruth simply looked at him and he rolled his eyes. "Old habits?"

"Mm," she said. "It wasn't hard. Apparently I can still hack into any database in the country."

"I don't doubt it," he said.

"You know he's cute when he's not screaming," Ruth said. "Looks quite a lot like you."

"Oh really?"

"Blonde curly hair, with the Pearce look about him," Ruth said. "I should know, I've been a victim of that look."

"Have you now?"

Ruth almost blushed, but she managed to resist. "Of course I have. Why else do you think I left the country after the Cotterdam fiasco?"

Harry had nothing to say to that. Instead he leaned over her and gently kissed her. It was nothing like the kiss of the night before, it was more soft and reassuring than anything else. Jack gurgled softly in his sleep and Ruth smiled at him.

"Why did you come here?" he asked quietly.

Ruth took a minute before replying. "I had an idea," she said. "It's crazy and ridiculous and insane, but I had an idea I wanted to run past you."

"Go for it," he said.

"I thought… you could come back to America with me," she said. "Just for a few days," she added at his surprised expression. "I could show you how I live and the life I made for myself after I left Thames House. My life didn't end when I left London, even though it felt like it at the time. I changed it, and lived differently. I wondered if you'd like to see that. Connecticut is beautiful, especially at this time of year."

Harry said nothing and she knew she'd blown it, so she rambled on. "I know we've only bumped into each other for a few days and I know its completely crazy. But now that I've found you I don't want to lose you again. I thought that if you saw my home and my life… I just thought it would be nice. Forget it. I've spoken out of turn. Just thinking about what I want. I…"

Harry put his fingers over her lips to shut her up. She stopped speaking and sighed. "Ruth, I have thought about you almost everyday since you left, wishing that you hadn't. I am not about to throw our, rather late, second chance away. Yes, I'll come to America with you."

She was speechless. "You will?" she asked breathlessly. "Really?"

"Yes I will," he said. "I can spare a week. So if you can put up with me for that long…"

"Do you mean it?" she asked. "I mean, it was a crazy suggestion, I just thought… I'd bring it up before my flight on Tuesday morning."

"It is crazy," he agreed. "But if you want me there, I'm going."

"Thank you," she said quietly, even though her face was showing her eagerness. Harry smiled at her and then quickly left her with the baby without saying a word. Ruth blinked at his absence, instead holding the baby and looking at his gorgeous face. Harry soon came back with a laptop and a pair of reading glasses perched on his nose.

"I'm looking for a ticket," he said. Ruth smiled at him softly as Jack kicked his legs out a little and gurgled again in his sleep. "When's your flight?"

"12:05 out of Heathrow to New Haven," she said. "Lunchtime, not midnight."

"Good," he said fervently.

"You do realise we'll be on a different time zone," she said.

"I'm old, I'm not senile Ruth," he said without looking up from the screen. She smiled as he looked up airline tickets. "Your flights full," he said. "There's a 1 o'clock out of Gatwick. I'll get that one. As long as you don't mind hanging around the airport for an hour or so?"

"You know what, a last minute ticket is going to be so expensive," Ruth said. "Forget it, it's a bad idea."

"It's a good idea," Harry said. "Don't worry about the money, I have more than I can spend anyway." Ruth frowned at him curiously. "I wasn't ready to curl up and die when I left MI5. I played around on the stock market a bit. And was a mixture of lucky and wise. Seriously Ruth, don't worry about the money."

"Just to be really rude and nosey, how much?" Harry said nothing while he bought his ticket and looked for a return to London in a weeks time. "Forget it, I shouldn't have asked," she said. "It's insensitive."

"Well, I doubt it'll change the way you see me anyway," Harry said. "When I stopped I had about eight hundred thousand up on what I'd started. I got out when the going was good."

"Eight hundred thousand?!" Ruth asked in a hushed whisper. "That's… silly money."

"Well I wasn't planning to live out my days on my state pension," Harry said giving her a wry look. "It took maybe five years to get that high. I've been spending it over the years since. I planned to quit at around the million pound mark but the market started to sink down a plug hole, so I got out. I still have about half a million, maybe a little more in several **_very_ **secure accounts in various identities."

"Old habits," she said with a smile.

"Indeed." Her hands were supporting Jack and he covered her fingers with his for a moment, making her smile. "There we go. Got the tickets booked. Apparently I'm going to Connecticut."

"I'm so pleased," she said smiling at him. "Have you ever been before?"

"Washington, New York and a strange three weeks in Pennsylvania," he said. "But otherwise I've been nowhere in America."

"Why were you in Pennsylvania?" Ruth asked.

"I refused to play politics," Harry said. "Early on in my career. I was stuck in a tiny box room watching suspected IRA spies who had fled to America. I spent three weeks watching criminals eat pizza."

"Did they have pizza in the olden days?"

"Cheeky," he said quietly. "Let me take him and put him down." Ruth gave up the precious bundle to Harry. He tried not to touch her but she was aware of the second his fingers brushed against her breasts. But neither of them said anything about it, she just watched as he put Jack in his carry cot, the baby curling his fingers slowly.

"He really does look like you you know," she said. She couldn't describe it but there was something very Harry like in baby Jack's face.

"I don't know how much genetic similarity there is between us," Harry said. "Four generations of watering down the DNA and all that." Ruth laughed. "I haven't even offered you a tea yet," he said. "Do you want one?"

"Have you by any chance got Galaxy or Dairy Milk hot chocolate?" Ruth asked, biting her lip. "I hate American chocolate, it has no resemblance to real chocolate."

"I'll see if its in my cupboard. I'll have to check."

"Thank you," she said fervently.

Harry delved around and much to his surprise he did find some hot chocolate. What's more it had a perfectly acceptable expiration date. He made Ruth a mug, made himself a tea and put it on a tray with some biscuits. He went back into the lounge and smiled at her. She'd fallen asleep. Putting the tray on the coffee table he gently covered her with a blanket, admiring her sleeping face. Then he turned to look at Jack who was likewise contentedly sleeping. Harry smiled and, at that moment in time, he felt truly complete.

* * *

**Hope this was enjoyable! More soon :)**


	9. Chapter 9

**A little bit of an in between chapter, but necessary.**

* * *

"Dad are you completely insane!"

"Thank you Catherine," Harry said as he continued to pack clothes in is suitcase.

"You've known this woman for what? Four days? And you're flying halfway across the world so you can spend another seven days in her company! Do you not see how crazy that is?"

"It's not any of your business Catherine, but I knew her twenty five years ago. I worked with her, and then she had to leave the country," Harry said. "I've come across her again and she's invited me back to America. I am going, no matter what you think."

"Dad you're nearly eighty years old!"

"I am well aware of how old I am, thank you very much," Harry said tersely. "I also know that I am old enough to make my own decisions Catherine."

"Oh come on!" Catherine said in exasperation. "You're going to go traipsing after someone who didn't care enough about you twenty years ago to even stay in the same country as you! Do you not see how crazy that is?"

"Catherine Elizabeth Tyler, I am your father and no matter what I do, I do not deserve to be spoken to like that," Harry said firmly and loudly, having come to the end of his tether. She looked slightly abashed and Harry continued. "You know what I used to do for a living. At the time, she was being set up. We both were and she took the fall for me. Instead of one of us languishing in prison for years on end, she made the choice to leave the country to protect us both. To protect me. Neither of us wanted her to go and I _hated_ saying goodbye to her. This is the first time I've seen her since she left London all those years ago. I am not going to apologise for it."

"Dad…" she said, her voice changing to a much softer tone.

"I know I'm old," he said. "But I am not infirm or incapable and I haven't lost my mind. I know what I'm doing."

"I didn't mean to imply… I just think you're making a mistake," she said quietly.

"If I am, then I am," he said. "Come on Cate, did it never occur to you why I never remarried after I divorced your mother?"

"Seriously? You've been waiting for her all this time? I find that hard to believe." Harry smiled at his daughter indulgently for a moment.

"I never thought I'd see her again," he admitted. "But now I have, I'm not going to stop going to America with her just because its soon. And I don't want to argue with my daughter about it."

"I don't want to argue with you either," Catherine said. "I just want you to be careful. She might be a gold digger for all you know."

"Most gold diggers don't wait thirty years," Harry said. "I'm old, I'm not stupid."

"Sorry dad," she said, biting her lip. "I just worry. And I know how much you hate America."

Harry smiled slightly. "I hate Washington and New York," he said. "And about ninety nine percent of the US."

"What's the one percent you like?" Catherine asked.

"Honestly? The one percent where she is," Harry said. "Sorry."

"So I'll see you in a week?" Catherine said.

"Yes," he said. "Providing Connecticut doesn't swallow me whole." Catherine smiled.

"I'm sure you'll be fine," she said.

"Mm," he agreed. "Now I have to pack."

"I'll go and leave you to it," she said. "Have a safe flight." Harry smiled at his daughter as she left and continued packing. He didn't care what Catherine thought, he was going to America, and he was going to have a most enjoyable trip.

* * *

"Right, that's that last call for my flight," Ruth said on the phone. "I have to go. I'll see you in ten hours in New Haven?"

"Or thereabouts," Harry agreed on the phone. "It's going to be a long flight." She couldn't help but notice that he sounded nervous.

"I didn't take you for an anxious flier," she said.

"I'm not," he said, speaking quietly so no one could overhear him. "But I can't help but look closely at everyone, checking for spies or potential terrorists. I saw far too much in my career Ruth, it makes me nervous. It's ridiculous and I know air travel is safe."

"I know Harry," she said. "But that's nice to think about before getting on a plane," she added sarcastically.

He chuckled at her. "I do have to go," she added seeing an air hostess looking at her watch. "After all this I'm not missing my plane."

"Bye Ruth. See you in the enemy state."

"Oh Harry, what am I going to do with you?" she asked happily, getting up and showing her boarding pass and passport to the woman behind the desk. "See you in the US."

"Bye." She put her phone down and boarded the plane. Once sitting in her seat she realised that she must have been one of the last to board, and knew she'd cut it rather fine. But as the plane took off, she felt glad to be on it. And happy to know that in a few hours she'd be back in America with Harry. It was a glowing prospect.

* * *

Ruth checked the arrivals board and saw that Harry's flight was on time as scheduled. He was coming in in forty five minutes, so she had time to kill. She went through the airport shops, mindlessly window shopping. It didn't seem all that long when her mobile rang and Harry said he'd landed. She met up with him and was so pleased to see him that for a moment all the crowds of people vanished from her sight. Instead all she saw was him. Before thinking about it she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him.

"I haven't been gone that long," he said into her hair.

"I know." She parted from him and noticed the bags under his eyes. "You look tired."

"I was sat next to a mother and her screaming toddler," he said. "I haven't had a moments peace for eight hours. It's nice to be free."

Ruth smiled. "My cars not too far away," she said. "Come on."

* * *

They spent most of the car journey in silence, Harry too tired to talk, Ruth too nervous to. This had taken their relationship to the next level, and all they'd shared were a few kisses. A few kisses and thirty years when they had both thought of the other so frequently that no other romantic relationship had stood much of a chance. But now she'd invited him to her home, in a country that she was perfectly well aware that he hated to spend time with her. She wanted him to be here, and was looking forward to the week ahead, but she couldn't stop the nervousness that was coursing through her. Luckily Harry was too tired from his restless flight to notice, so she had time to pull herself together.

By the time she parked outside her house she was feeling much calmer and her mini panic had subsided. She looked at her house, feeling how much had changed in only a week.

"It's a nice house," Harry said honestly.

"Well it's private," Ruth said. "I didn't want nosey neighbours. And it's a nice town too."

"I'm sure," Harry said. They got out of the car and went into the house.

Dropping their cases by the door Ruth looked at Harry and couldn't help but see him trying to stifle a yawn.

"Go to bed," Ruth said easily. "You're clearly tired."

"I don't want to be bad company," he said. "I'm sure you didn't invite me to your home just to sleep." Ruth raised her eyebrows at him. "And I just realised how that sounded," Harry said. "That's not what I meant."

"I know," she said easily. "Go to sleep. My bedrooms through there," she added, pointing in the right direction. "I don't have a spare room, only Claire's single bed. So I hope its okay if we share?"

"Of course," he said, too tired to think of the implications from this. "Thank you. Goodnight." He leaned over and brushed his lips over hers gently and so sweetly. Ruth smiled as he walked into the bedroom, leaving her on her own.

She sighed happily to herself before going back outside to get the post. She sorted through it and then got herself something to eat (she had some ready made salad in the fridge which hadn't gone off). When she'd finished and felt sleep calling her. She went to her bedroom and saw that Harry had already drifted off. He lay on one side of the bed, leaving her plenty of room and his steady even breathing filled the room. Smiling she undressed and got into bed next to him. It was a testament to how much travel tired her that she didn't even think about the fact she was lying in bed with Harry. All she did was close her eyes and almost instantly drift off to sleep.

* * *

**Hope it wasn't too much of a let down! Hopefully it'll pick up in the next chapter**.


	10. Chapter 10

**Thank you for the lovely reviews. Hope this lives up to expectations.**

* * *

Harry awoke alone, the sunlight streaming in through the window. He had slept well, but he hoped he hadn't been alone for the whole night. Rubbing his eyes he saw that there was a mug of tea resting on the bedside table on his side. Putting his hand to it he felt it was very warm. He picked it up and wrapped his hands around it, thinking how nice it was to be taken care of occasionally. The tea was just how he liked it too, no sugar and just a dash of milk. Smiling he drank it as he noticed his suitcase was by the door. Ruth must have moved it there, he thought.

Getting up he quickly dressed and then went in search of Ruth. He found her in the kitchen, working on her laptop, a cup of coffee next to her. "Morning," he said. "What time is it?"

"Er… half eleven," she said. "I didn't think you'd sleep for much longer. I'll be done in a minute."

"I didn't take you for the type of woman who liked pink flowers on her laptop," Harry said. Ruth frowned and then remembered the stickers on the outside of her computer.

"Claire's decorated every laptop I've had since she was born," Ruth said. "If you think this was bad you should have seen the finger painting one when she was four. I thought she was going to break it." Harry laughed.

"What are you doing?"

"Sending some paperwork off to my boss," she said. "So I can have the week off. I'm nearly done."

"What do you do?" he asked curiously.

"Well, officially I'm a secretary/receptionist for a law firm," Ruth said. "But after a few years they realised I was a damn good researcher too, so I do that as well. Its easy work really. And they're training up a blonde teenager for when I retire so they don't mind if I take time off."

"Is she really a teenager?"

"She's twenty seven," Ruth admitted. "But when I'm sixty two it does feel slightly insulting."

Harry inclined his head in agreement. "What are we going to do today?"

"I thought I could show you the town. I mean, it's not raining. It'll be boring but…"

"Sounds great," he said honestly. "It's the company I'll like."

Ruth smiled. "There's a great place in town I thought we could have breakfast. Well, lunch now."

"Perfect," he said. "Do you want to leave now?"

"Let me send this email and then yes," Ruth said. "Please remember that I'm Rosie here, not Ruth."

"All right," he grumbled gently finding his jacket and his shoes. Ruth smiled as she finished her email and sent it, looking forward to the day ahead.

* * *

They had lunch in a nice quiet restaurant, overlooking the town square. "Do you come here often?" Harry asked.

"Yes," she said. "A couple of times a week. I like sitting and watching the world go by. And it was a good place to meet Claire. Her high school is just around the corner."

"Apart from the annoying American twang I keep hearing around the place, its not quite as bad as I'd anticipated," Harry said. Ruth smiled at the slightly veiled compliment about her life.

"There are no politicians here either," she said.

"The place just gets better and better."

Ruth smiled as a waitress came over, asking if they'd like anything else. "Just the bill please," Ruth said getting out her purse.

"Oh, dollars," Harry said under his breath. "I forgot to get my money changed into dollars, all I've got is pounds."

"Oh don't worry about it," Ruth said. "It doesn't matter."

"I'll go and get some changed tomorrow," he said. "You can't be paying for me all week."

"I'm not going to argue with you," she said. "You're going to get your way eventually anyway."

"Glad you see that now," he said easily as Ruth put the money on the table. "Shall we go?"

* * *

When they got back to the house it was dark and they'd shared a lovely day together. They'd drifted through the park together chatting until the sun went down and then they'd had dinner in a tiny café. It had been lovely and Ruth felt so content as they walked in the house. Which is why it surprised her when Harry pulled her in for a deep kiss. After a moment of shock she let herself fully enjoy it. They hadn't turned any of the lights on and he pressed her against the front door in earnest, fumbling in the dark. This was the first time their kisses hadn't been gentle and slow, instead it was urgent and almost desperate.  
She stopped when the need for air overcame her need for Harry. She reached for his hand and without thinking about it, without analysing it she led him through to the bedroom, a smile hovering on her lips. He shut the door behind them and smiled back at her before she pulled him back into her arms.

"Ruth, I have to tell you something," he said in between kisses as her hands started unbuttoning his shirt.

"What?" she said breathlessly, her fingers running over him as she kissed his neck.

"It's embarrassing," he said. "I can't… I need a couple of pills. To get…"

"Oh," Ruth said as it dawned on her what he meant. "It doesn't matter." She kissed him again but he pulled back and looked at her curiously. "I mean it," she said. "Did you bring any… medication with you?"

"Sadly no," he said. "I didn't want to assume anything."

"Okay," she said, kissing his neck. "We'll get some tomorrow. Don't worry about it." He looked at her for a moment before she carried on kissing him and for the rest of the night he felt like the luckiest man in the world.


	11. Chapter 11

"Wake up," Harry whispered. Rut scrunched her face up, wanting to bury her head under the duvet and slip back into sleep. "I have breakfast." Ruth squinted her eyes open and saw a tray with tea and bacon sandwiches. That was enough to make her sit up and attempt to wake up properly.

"What time is it?"

"Ten," he said. "You slept well."

"Orgasms do that to me," she said, her lips twitching. He kissed her neck before taking his own sandwich. They hadn't had sex, because as Harry had tried to say he needed a little medication to help him. But he had been determined to bring her to satisfaction, and he had. Three times. Meaning that she woke up in a happy little bubble this morning. Life was good. And so was the bacon. "That's delicious," she said. "Careful or I might start expecting breakfast in bed."

"You can expect it, its fine," he said smiling at her. "You're beautiful."

"No, I'm not. I'm old," she said.

"What does that make me then?" Harry asked.

"Distinguished," she said. He looked at her incredulously. "I don't think of your age when I look at you."

"Then believe me when I say you're beautiful," he said. Ruth rolled good naturedly and took another bite of bacon.

"You know, I am so happy," Ruth said. "I can't believe that what, a week ago I hadn't seen you in twenty five years."

"I struggle to see it too," Harry agreed. "Why didn't you meet someone? Marry someone else when Claire was younger. I'm sure you had offers."

"One," she said. "Well, not an offer per say, but one proper relationship. Luke."

"What happened?" Harry asked softly.

"He knew that I was thinking of someone else," she said sadly. "He was a very good man. But he couldn't accept that my mind was usually elsewhere. And I couldn't expect him to live with that either."

"Who were you thinking of?"

"Fishing for a compliment?" she asked. "You, of course it was you."

"My ego is not that delicate or fragile," he said. "You don't have to lie."

"Well why did you never marry then?" she asked.

"Because I wanted you," he said. "All right I see your point." She laughed and took a sip of her tea.

"What are we going to do today?" she asked.

"Well, I need to go to a chemist," he said swiftly. Ruth managed to blush at that. "Miss Evershed, am I making you blush after last night?"

"Apparently," she said.

He suddenly pinned her to the bed and rolled on top of her as she squealed playfully. He smiled at her when she stopped wriggling and felt his heart overflow. "Ruth, I love you."

Her smile faded from her face when she heard that, but only from shock, and only for a moment. "I love you too," she said. He leaned in and kissed her slowly. It was heaven.

* * *

The week flew past. It went much faster than either of them would have liked, including a couple of days spent doing little else apart from being in bed. All too soon Harry was due back on the nine o'clock flight the next morning. Ruth cooked dinner, rice and curry and they were almost silent as they ate.

"I don't want you to go," Ruth said as she took a sip of wine. "I've loved having you here."

"I know," he said. "I've loved being here too. And its nice to see you made a life for yourself after MI5."

"I did," she said. "And you know what, I enjoyed an awful lot of it. Much more so than I would have had I been in prison." Harry inclined his head in agreement. "I wish you could stay here for longer," she said. "Forever. But I know you have to go back to London."

"Come with me," he said before he could stop himself. "Your daughter's in London, you have no family here… come back with me."

"Harry…"

"I mean it," he said. "Come back to London. It'll be safe for you now, no one will care about MI5 agents of so long ago. I can't lose you, not again."

"I don't know what to say," she said once words started to flow again through her surprise.

"Then say yes," he said simply.

She sighed heavily. "God Harry, I don't know," she said. "This is.. so unexpected. Sudden."

"It's not sudden," he said firmly. "It might be unexpected but I hardly think its sudden. Not after this long."

"We hardly know each other," she said.

"That's not true either," Harry said. "I am rather good at persuading people, but I am not going to talk you into moving across the Atlantic. You've got to want it."

"I'll think about it," she said. "Honestly, I will. But… I am surprised."

"Fair enough," he said. For a moment he covered her hand with his own before returning to his meal. The silence enveloped them again but Harry knew Ruth was thinking. Hard.

She didn't speak until their plates were empty. "Do you want me to live with you?" she asked. "Or find a stupid cold and lonely box flat in London?"

"I think that answered your own question," Harry said with a smile. "I meant to live with me, but whatever you want Ruth."

"I don't know," she said. "I have so much stuff here, where would it all go?"

"Ship it over to my address, I believe I have cupboards and wardrobes," Harry said.

"I'm not going to give you an answer now," she said. "I can't. I need to think about it."

"Fine," he said. "Do. Now, I saw a fabulous chocolate cake for dessert. Shall we?" Ruth nodded, glad that he'd changed the subject.

* * *

Ruth awoke at three in the morning, her mind running very fast. She was worried and anxious, both about Harry leaving and the offer he'd given her. She could go back to London. But she didn't know if it was the wisest course of action. Gently she lifted Harry's arm off of her waist and got up. For someone who'd had a prolific MI5 career, he slept deeply which was surprising. But it also comforted her that he'd managed to leave those days behind him. Going to the bathroom she closed the door quietly and switched the light on, looking at herself in the mirror.

She could barely see the teenager she'd once been. If she looked hard she could just about see her thirty year old self but she looked like what she was. A sixty year old woman, with the best days of her life behind her. It was a depressing thought. But then again why should she spend her later years in a place that had no true meaning for her. Yes, it was where Claire grew up and held some fond memories for her, but it wasn't where her home truly was. And even her daughter lived in England now. Would it be so hard? Didn't she deserve to be happy. Going back to England could be so easy. But would it be the right decision? She didn't know. All she did know was it would take longer than Harry had in America for her to make her decision.

With a sigh she washed her face and waited until her breathing was even before going back into the bedroom. She smiled at Harry and got back into bed, closing her eyes and wishing the morning and his departure would never come.

* * *

**Coming to the end of this fic now. At least one more chapter and an epilogue to go. Thank you for the reviews so far!**


	12. Chapter 12

**Ruth decided to go on her own sweet way in this chapter. Sorry! Bonus chapter today for my lovely reviewers. Thank you.**

* * *

The journey to the airport was silent. Ruth was thinking and Harry was loath to say goodbye, especially as he didn't know when he'd next see her. In the airport they were still quiet, even as Harry checked in and dropped his suitcase off at baggage drop.

"Ruth please say something," Harry begged. "Anything. I can't bear the silence."

"I'm going to miss you," she said simply. "I've loved this week."

"So have I," he said. "You can always come home with me."

"I'm considering it," she said. "Come here." He kissed her passionately, only parting from her when his flight number was called.

"I have to go," he said.

"Call me when you land safely," she said.

"I will." He kissed her briefly once more before he turned away and got lost in the crowds of people. Ruth put her fingers to her lips, standing stock still for a moment before she was jostled by some people behind her. She came to her senses and slowly left the airport, her heart heavy as she went back to the car.

* * *

By the time she parked at home, she knew what she was going to do and her mind was made up. There was no way she could continue living in America knowing that Harry was both alive and well, and that he wanted a relationship with her. It would be a kind of self inflicted torture and it was pointless and unnecessary. There was no reason for her to be permanently parted from Harry, and she didn't want to be either.

With a sigh she unlocked her door and started to make herself a cup of tea. Her thoughts were so entwined with Harry that at first she didn't realise what she was actually seeing. It hit her like a speeding train and she dropped her mug on the floor where it shattered. She was grateful there was no hot water in it otherwise her feet would have been burned, but for the moment she ignored the shards of crockery. Instead she picked up a small jewellery box and with shaking hands she flicked the lid open. A diamond ring was inside, two sapphires next to the centre stone and it was gorgeous. It was also clearly an engagement ring and she was furious. How dare he propose to her when he wasn't even here? It was less than unfair. She couldn't give her response, instead she'd have to wait nine hours for his flight to land. Which, the rational part of her brain though, might have been the purpose. She'd have plenty of time to think about it rather than making a snap reaction. That bloody man!

Before she could think about the logic of it, she picked up the phone and called Harry's mobile. He didn't answer, but then she hadn't expected him to. After all he'd probably be in the air by now. Soon enough the phone beeped, waiting for her to leave her message.

"Harry Pearce, what the hell do you think you are doing! There is an engagement ring sitting on my kitchen counter and I would love to ask you why but you are on a flight for the next eight hours. What the hell were you thinking?! I am so angry with you that I can't even think about what this means Harry. I need to talk to you, God! I can't live in limbo for the next eight hours. I guess I have no choice though. Just… please call me when you land. Bye."

Sighing she put the phone down and closed her eyes. He couldn't be serious. Could he? Did he really want to marry her? The obvious signs would point to yes. Did he bring the engagement ring all the way from London? Had he had it the entire time? She thought he must have. They'd barely been away from each other the whole week. Certainly not long enough for him to find a jewellery store and pick out an engagement ring. Which meant he'd thought about it for the last seven days. He had plenty of chance to just pack it in his case and forget about it. But he hadn't, he'd decided to give it to her. Which meant that after a mere week of her constant companionship he'd decided he wanted to marry her. He was insane. That much was clear.

Ruth cleared up the fragments of crockery and then made herself a fresh mug of tea, sitting down to think. She needed to talk to Harry and the next few hours were not going to be pleasant for her.

* * *

Harry sat in the airport lounge in Heathrow and checked his messages anxiously. There were three, two from Ruth and one from Catherine checking what time he landed. He listened to the first one from Ruth and she sounded angry. He felt slightly guilty that he'd left the ring without saying a word and then jumping on a plane. But he knew there was a certain degree of sense in letting her think about it before she said no automatically. The second message from her was calmer.

"Hi Harry. I realise I sounded angry in the last message. I'm sorry, but I was more than bit surprised and in shock. I still think you're crazy but I do want to talk to you. Please call. Okay, bye."

He dialled her number and waited for the call to connect across the Atlantic. "I'm so mad at you," was the hello he got.

"How mad?" he asked.

"Furious. Incandescent with rage. How could you leave it there and not say anything?"

"I wanted you to think about it properly," Harry said. "Not just make a snap decision because of the fact we've barely been together."

"I have thought about it," she said.

"And?"

"No Harry," she said. "I'm sorry, but I can't marry you. Not now, its not right."

"Is there anything I can say that will make you change your mind?" Harry asked, his voice low with disappointment.

"Maybe in a year I will," she said. "The other thing you asked me. I have an answer for that too." Harry held his breath. "I'm going to put my house on the market. That's if my rejection hasn't put you off?"

"No of course the offer still stands," he said. "I want you with me. But I will admit to being grievously disappointed by you saying no."

"Harry…" she said, her voice only just being able to be heard above the noise of the airport. "It doesn't mean I don't love you," she said. "I do. And I want to come back to London, truly. To be with you."

"I am pleased you're saying that," he said. "I can't help that I'm disappointed though." He sighed. "Listen, keep the ring and call me the instant you change your mind."

"Okay," she said, keeping her voice purposefully light. "I might start packing up some things. Can I ship them over?"

"Yes," he said so fervently that she felt very reassured.

"Good," she said. There was a pause on the phone and Harry knew she was thinking hard. "I don't want things to change in our relationship just because I've said…"

"No," Harry said. "Don't worry. I shouldn't have been a coward and I should have wooed you while I was in the US. Rather than leaving the ring for you to find."

"I love you," she said. "Please believe that."

"I do," he said. "Don't worry. Listen I have to go back to my house, I called as soon as I landed. I love you."

"Good," she said. "I'll call the estate agent."

"I can't wait to have you in London."

"Me either," Ruth said. She sighed, hating that she had to disappoint him like this. It made her feel rotten. "Bye Harry."

"Bye."

* * *

Harry had just about caught up with sleep and he'd unpacked. He was left with a slightly hollow feeling it his chest. Even though it was soon, incredibly soon, he still felt disappointment. He knew Ruth loved him, but he also knew she was a cautious and wary person. Even so, he'd hoped she'd marry him. Their conversations had been slightly stilted over the past few days and he hated that. He knew with time they'd get through it, but the distance between them wasn't helping him either. The more he thought about it, the more he knew what a total idiot he'd been. Leaving an engagement ring for her to find? How stupidly unromantic.

He'd been back in England for five days when his doorbell rang at three in the morning. He tried to ignore it and go back to sleep. It would only be teenagers playing pranks on him. When it rang for the third time he'd had enough. He was tempted to get his gun, but then thought that was an overreaction to a simple loss of sleep. Sighing as he went downstairs, he opened the door.

"Ruth."

"Okay, so here's the deal," she said quickly. The rain was pouring down, soaking her to the skin but she didn't seem to care. "I'm going to live here with you for the foreseeable future. I never want to leave you, and I can't bear being without you. It's awful being in that house without you. So much so that I don't know how I managed for all those years. I will marry you, one day. And because of that, I've decided that I will wear that beautiful engagement ring you bought for me."

"Are you finished?" he asked, a smile hovering on his lips.

"Er… I guess I am," she said nodding.

"Good. Come in out of the rain." She did and closed the door quietly behind her. Her coat was dripping onto the carpet in the quiet. "What made you change your mind?" he asked, seeing the ring on her finger.

"Four days without you was awful," she said. "I couldn't bear it. So I shipped my things here and booked a flight. I can oversee the sale of my house from here."

"Selfishly I am so glad you couldn't live without me," he said. She smiled and kissed him softly. "Do you mean it?"

"Yes," she said smiling. "I know its early in the morning, I'm sorry I woke you."

"That's the one thing I'm not thinking about right now," he said. "You're soaked through, do you want a towel?"

"In a minute," she said. And then she kissed him and never wanted to stop.

* * *

**Just the epilogue to go!**


	13. Epilogue

Epilogue

* * *

The grass crumpled under her feet, the frost making the morning brisk and chilly, even with the blue sky. No one else had braved the cold break of day except for Ruth, but she preferred it this way. Alone.

"Hi Harry," she said, her feet coming to their automatic stopping point as they so often had over the past few months. She put her single white rose on the grave and then ran her fingertips over the inscription slowly and reverently._ In loving memory of Henry James Pearce. Loving father and grandfather and devoted husband_. God she missed him. Even after six months of him being gone every single day was a struggle. Sometimes she wished that she didn't love him as much as she did. Then it wouldn't hurt so much.

"I miss you," she said. "We both knew it was likely to happen this way around, but I still wish I could have gone first. It's… not very nice, Harry. Being the one left behind." She took a shaky breath and twisted her wedding ring around her finger softly. They'd been together for ten years and been married for more than eight. They had been so happy. Happier than either of them had expected and their twilight years had been the most special times of both of their lives.

Ruth had a grandchild of her own now. Charlotte who was four. Harry had adored her, just as he loved all of his biological grandchildren and Charlotte had called him grandpa, which made Ruth's heart melt every time she'd heard it. It also broke her heart that most likely Charlotte wouldn't remember Harry when she got older.

"You know Harry, I had a plan for today," she said. "We were going to fly Venice and take a gondola under the Bridge of Sighs. I had a plan for your eighty eighth Harry. It was going to be a surprise. Oh well. The best laid plans and all that." She closed her eyes and put her hand on the cold and unyielding stone. She swallowed against the fear that her grief would swallow her again.

For a moment she remembered that morning only a few months ago. When she'd woken up and known instinctively that something was wrong. Looking at Harry she felt it was wrong. His face looked too still and inanimate. She put her hand on him and he was cold. Horribly cold. Her breath had caught as her fingers slid to his neck to find his pulse. Which wasn't there. She had pleaded with him to wake up, losing her rationality but of course it hadn't helped. She'd picked up the phone to call an ambulance or some help, but for some reason, maybe her subconscious, she called her daughter instead. Ruth had no recollection of that call, she'd fainted from shock and hit her head on the bedside table. It took about half an hour for her to come back around, by which time Claire was there, shaking her shoulder, panic in her eyes.

In the present, Ruth tried to drag her mind away from that horrific day. It wouldn't help her to think of that. She was still lost in memories when she heard some footsteps behind her. She turned and saw Catherine walking towards her, a small bouquet of flowers in her hand. Hiding her surprise at her presence she smiled at her step daughter. "I didn't expect to see you here," Ruth said.

"I wanted to visit today," she said. "How are you?"

"Not great," she admitted. "I miss him terribly. How are you?" she asked, trying to ignore her own grief and focus on Catherine.

"Fine," she said, putting the flowers on the grave. "You know I didn't like you when I first met you."

"I know," Ruth said, a hint of a smile on her lips. "You thought I was some cheap American gold digger."

"I never said that!" Catherine said indignantly.

"No, but you thought it," Ruth insisted.

"Well I'm sorry," Catherine said. "I did think that, but I was wrong. I knew that almost as soon as I met you. You made him happy."

"I like to think so," Ruth said smiling. "I know he made me happy."

"Let me take you out for breakfast," Catherine said after minutes of silence where they were simply staring at the grave. "I bet you haven't eaten this morning."

"No I haven't," she admitted. "I couldn't eat. I miss him so much."

"Come on," Catherine said. "At least let me buy you a coffee."

"Okay," she agreed. "That sounds good." She turned back to the grave and brushed her fingers across the stone once more. "Bye Harry." She turned and left the cemetery with Catherine's arm around her waist. Over the past few months it had been incredibly comforting to have Catherine around her. It was reassuring to have someone around her who knew Harry of old. Leaving the cemetery, she didn't look back. She had plenty of time to visit him in the future.

* * *

**Not quite what I planned, but it took its own turn. Thank you for reading and especially reviewing.**


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